I woke this morning knowing I needed to do some writing. My magazine editor is asking for an article and my brain wants to write, but it seems to be frozen in time.
Worse yet I hear the band Genesis playing their song “Land of Confusion” in my head and I cannot turn it off.
This is not how I wanted to spend my Saturday morning, yet there I sat, a cup of coffee at my side and a dog wandering in and out to see if I am ready to stop whatever it is I am doing and feed her.
Not yet, Rosie, it is too early.
Many people would have flicked any confusion they felt into oblivion by now. It doesn’t work that way when you have ADHD. Hell to the no. Everyone who has ADHD knows we don’t flick. We ruminate. We chew our cud(s) like cows do. We chew and chew and chew not really swallowing or digesting whatever it is to move on to the next topic at hand.
That topic keeps waving at us trying to capture our attention and we ignore it and keep on chewing.
ADHD – so many of us have it, try having it when you have grief in your life. This is where it gets bad. This is where it becomes cumbersome. This is where we carry something so heavy in our hearts and on our backs that one or the other will break.
I cried every day this week. Not boo-hoo sobs but just tears trickling out of my eyes and down my cheeks. My life was a confusing mess, and I didn’t have my person to help me sort through it and put things into the file folders in my brain where they belong.
I was in overwhelm and all I can say is thank goodness I had a hypnotherapy session where I obtained relief from some of my anxieties in life because otherwise I would be commiting myself for care.
I walked around my house channeling my inner Ruth from “Ozark” dropping F bombs in almost every sentence. Thank goodness for Ruth, I can blame my salty language on a character many people embrace because fiction or not she says it like it is.
It will be better soon, I am guessing in about 4-5 days. I look at my calendar on the wall in gratitude of not having a crazy busy week coming of running here and there. I actually have me time. Time to slow the confusion down and bring it to a stop. Answers will come and by mid-week I should be back in control again.
Grief is a monster at times. You know it, and I know it, and there are days when I just kick it in the ass and say “not today grief.”