Day #1096

How can that be? How can 1096 days have passed since I began to write my thoughts every single day since I held you in my arms and prevented you from falling as you lost consciousness?

Every day I wrote my thoughts until Day #143. That was my last numbered day because 143 was very special to both of us. 143 is short for I Love You. We used that a lot back and forth in emails, texts, and inside greeting cards.

The last time I used it was to write 143 is no longer a working number. Then I changed my daily journaling on FB to begin with the words “morning thoughts”.

It’s now 3 years and how can that be? My heart doesn’t want to accept it, my gut tells me it is real, my head is in a fog, and my soul is filled with grief today.

I actually hold myself together really well now. Time has eased the amount of grief I have because life has moved forward. I am in a much better place at this time in my life. I like the town I chose to live in when I decided to leave Florida and all those loving memories behind. I have new friends. I take ballet lessons. I joined a book club. I go out by myself to a bar/restaurant where the bartender knows my name.

I have tried dating and there were some actual disasters and there were some fun times but there was no magic.

I decided to write a post for social media and I am copying it here because it really describes where I am now.

Sometimes people do the dumbest things at the worst possible time. I thought I had a blossoming relationship, I was wrong. I can see the differences (now) and I do understand it takes two people to make or break anything.

My outspoken opinions were not appreciated, and his lack of self-worth interfered. I will say this – dating at our ages is not for the weak. We are so set in our ways and/or we also carry wounds from the past starting with a parent who put their issues on us. I know, I had therapy to move through mine.

Here I am miles away from those I care about and tomorrow I will wake up to remembering the last day Larry and I spent together on this earth. I have come so far. I know this. I don’t need people to tell me I have. I see it, there is a vast difference in the Carole of 18 months ago and the Carole I am now.

I have new boundaries, and some were put in place today. I have new direction. I am heading into two new career opportunities one in film the other in working with a device app. I understand I am always learning, always using what I learned to take it to new levels and I know in a world where most men are retired, I am a bit much.

Yet I also know if Larry were still here he would be in his office doing just what I am doing – learning, expanding horizons, and being productive. Maybe our match was once in a lifetime, maybe I was only meant to have an equal partner one time.

I told a friend today who called to check on me I am starting to get curious about taking a road trip with Rosie. Just the two of us exploring and writing about it. I couldn’t have done that a year ago, I can now.It is okay to do these things with Rosie as my sidekick.

Honest to goodness if I wait to partner up with someone we might be doing it in wheel chairs. I can/will do this.

Somewhere out there is a man who appreciates a smart woman who drinks good Bourbon.

Thanks readers Larry would be very proud.

One last thing – I do still wish with all my heart he would walk through the door any minute.

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