TRIGGERS

Over the past month I allowed something to eat at me. It kept taking little bites out of me and one day I just asked someone a question I already knew the answer to and I was spot on in knowing.

Receiving confirmation of something you already know or suspect won’t resolve anything. In most cases it just makes you sadder or madder or both, throw in disappointment too.

On the flip side though we all need to know the truth, and then we can decide how it makes us feel and what we want to do about it.

In my book I spoke twice about asking. I was referring more to asking to be included, or asking to have coffee or a glass of wine, or asking to do something together.

Asking gives answers, some are delightful, some are not.

I was very disappointed for reasons I don’t intend to write about, but suffice it to say I am not over being disappointed.

We who grieve will grieve the rest of our lives. We go through all the stages and many of us do start to feel differently. We don’t cry as much or as often, we may even laugh more. We leave the house and join things – this is a very big step. We start to do things we were not able to do for a long time.

There are timeslots we cannot avoid though.

When Larry first died I couldn’t handle 630p on Tuesdays because that was when he suffered the stroke that would render him unconscious and unable to recover. I had a really tough time every Tuesday, but it did get better. I moved forward through this with therapy.

Now it’s the weekends that hover over me in dark and damp ways. I write that I am going to pack Rosie up and we will head out. So far the biggest weekend outing has been the pet store.

The weekends hurt. I stopped working on weekends recently meaning I do no marketing of my businesses, I do not design any photo messages, and I do not listen to webinars (much). I do write. I also record my podcasts episodes, I just don’t call that work.

The weekends for Larry and I were always very special even if he was digging up our irrigation system. This was our time together, and I cherished it.

Errands were run, yard work was done, shopping together happened, spectacular dinners for Saturday date nights were prepped, dancing on the lanai, making love, waking early to the dogs asking to go out, hot coffee on the lanai, rinse and repeat.

Saturdays and Sundays are the two days when talking with friends and family mean the most to me. Yes, weekends trigger grief for me in a sad way. I miss those days the most.

What else triggers me? Weddings. I just watched a friend’s wedding and she was a widow who fell in love a second time and I am so happy for her.

My wedding day is the happiest memory I have. It was a perfect day filled with family, friends and love. In therapy I spoke about it often because I trained myself to go back to that day whenever I was triggered. There are many triggers, but there are two that really start the tears.

The other one is when someone’s pet dies. I grieve hard to this day over having to let go of darling Willie. Her photo is still my screensaver. I still get heart heaviness when I think about Willie.

Circling back to my purpose in writing today is the fact it doesn’t matter if 20 years have passed I deal with grief everyday. When/if someone disappoints me it is also a trigger. They might not realize it, but it is my trigger, I own it, and I won’t apologize for it. Just understand that when you trigger someone with your thoughts, words or deeds that as Maya Angelou said “…..people will never forget how you made them feel.”

People do hurt your soul.
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