Yes, I threw down the gauntlet metaphorically on Wednesday, even if the people in the world of definition say it isn’t used metaphorically.
Wednesday would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, and this year I planned to be in control of this special day.
I told friends it was okay to wish me a Happy Anniversary because in saying it they were acknowledging the love Larry and I shared.
I made a therapy appointment the week before and the two of us worked hard using EMDR to help me cushion the trauma in my brain about this day.
This explains what EMDR is:
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories.
I had already done some somatic experience work in New Mexico. I was taught in therapy there to use the memory of the happiest day of my life, which was our wedding day, to calm me and restore balance whenever triggered with a lot of grief.
This past Wednesday had moments of having tears in my eyes and many more moments of total joy remembering the love, the happiness, the fun of that day.
Last year was horrid. I refused to have that happen again.
My grief therapist told me that my resilience shines through because I have become my own grief expert. She is correct. I get online, I research, I read stories, and I celebrate my strength.
I also grieve. I will grieve Larry’s death for the rest of my life. Grief doesn’t end. I just live happier, I live in gratitude for being so loved, and I know how proud Larry would be right now if he could peek down and see me. Maybe he can, maybe he is.