13 Days in Hell

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” C. S. Lewis

13 Days in Hell.

A year ago right now I was on day 9 of 13 meeting with a psychologist and a palliative care doctor after being told that the team of Neurologists caring for Larry had signed off of his care.

Days 1-8 I had been told repetitively that Larry was making improvements daily.

They lied. Now I had fear.

I am not sure why they lied. Since that time I have shown photos of his MRI that showed a bilateral stroke to his basilar artery, which is rarely recoverable and I had been told that this was as serious as it could be.

They lied. They lied for 8 days and gave me fear.

Worse yet, they let an ICU RN tell me they were signing off without having the professional courtesy to discuss their decision with me.

I cannot forgive them, and because I can’t forgive them, I resigned from a committee at the same hospital. It was necessary for my well-being.

No Filter.

Grief steals your filter. I am more honest now than I have been over the past year. I have no patience for petty issues or small talk. I curse more now, and I don’t apologize for it.

Down the road I had several meetings with doctors in this organization, and they assured me that there was a lesson in all of this. Why did Larry have to be the lesson? There is over one lesson to be learned. Can they start with the lies?

I did not receive closure on this until I pushed the envelope further. I pissed them off with my tenacity, but I needed answers and I needed resolution.

My Shock and Trauma

Sudden death is a cause of PTSD. I was already in shock; I had tremendous trauma for 8 days. On day 9 I had a second dose of PTSD when this team walked away from Larry, leaving me to honor his wishes.

Over this past year, I have been in talk therapy and deep therapy for PTSD. It has helped, yet the fear comes rushing back to me when I remember how I felt when I was told they had given up.

They lied and here I am a year later living through 13 days in Hell again.

Fractured Defined

Fractured. What is Fractured? What is Fractured about? Is it about breaking a bone? Is it about a crack in the earth? What is it?

Fractured describes my heart and how it cracked and broke on February 19, 2019. There is no cast to put around it. There is no ace bandage to hold it in place. I can’t use duct tape, superglue, or stitches. My heart is permanently fractured, but it still hangs on beating 60-80 beats per minute even though in less than 5 seconds I knew it would remain broken forever.

Now Fractured is a book I am writing, and a podcast I am starting. It is a love story, a memoir, an encapsulation of what I call #SuperLove, and all wrapped up in a beautiful bow it represents what true love is forever.

Help me grow. Subscribe and get updates as they happen.

Thank you from the bottom of my fractured heart.